Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
