There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
