I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
