Soap is not a condiment
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
