Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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