I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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