shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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