John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
