You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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