I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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