getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You ruined the universe
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
