i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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