so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
