fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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