I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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