What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
