I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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