i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
