On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
