You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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