I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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