my phone needs a breathalizer
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
