does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize