well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
