Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
God gave him joint rollers for hands
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
