i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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