the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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