Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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