I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Randomize
