i jhust puked up my retainher.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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