Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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