If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
