I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
