I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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