Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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