No stitches, just platelets and will power
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
