note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
