9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
