then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
