I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
