You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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