i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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