You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
