everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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