Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
