Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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