I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
