i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
