Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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