Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
