I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
