My hand turned me down
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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