i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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