I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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