im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
