I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hippo gnu deer
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
