My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
