I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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