I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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