i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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