What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
