How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
