You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
