I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
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I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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