I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
